THE FRUSTRATIONS OF STARTING OVER: SELF-LOVE

How to let go and when does starting over begin?

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Emotions! They say that ‘it’s not about managing your emotions, instead it’s about managing your reaction to your emotions’. Emotions are complex. Emotion is often the driving force behind motivation, positive or negative. Before we can let go I think we should GROW our emotions by learning not to react right away, to see the bigger picture and to forgive ourselves for our emotional triggers. Having said that, how the hell do I put my thoughts into words in order for us both to GROW? Learn or die, here I go and feel free to share back if you have any doubts.

When we started conceptualising GROW, it was initially to survive the pandemic, as we were not going to have any income for the foreseeable future. During the building process I realised there was more to GROW than just a healthy vegan ‘bowl and roll’ delivery service. I want to use this platform to GROW within and to figure out all my ‘bullshit’ mistakes but also to share with you the everyday emotional battles that are not necessarily directly related to the business. For starters the fear of dying alone has not only impacted my career but also my personal journey.  

Over the years and until very recently, I’ve chased, demanded and even selfishly pushed away potential relationships with real connections. To give you an example, not that long ago, I was in Bangkok working with my then employer who at the time praised me for my dedication, creative direction and commitment to deliver results. I was working 12-hour plus days to deliver these results on a half salary due to Covid-19. That’s how committed I was. I was on top of the world and had all this positive energy flowing through my veins and for the first time, I felt I belonged in the unknown. Everything was starting to fall into place and I felt that at last, the universe had my back.

Shortly after, I met ‘Mr. Indo’, a beautiful soul who had me at ‘hello’. We joked about how faith had brought us together, talked for hours and even cried together over a song called ‘The House That Built Me’. My life was falling into place, finally. I had the successful career and the man whom I was very keen to GROW with. Then early July my tower came crashing down; a phone call from home saying ‘Dad has had a heart attack and passed away’, my employer texted me shortly after at midnight (YES! Text!) to inform me that I’d been put on ‘leave without pay’ and I had to move back to Koh Samui. This meant that 'Mr. Indo' and I were about to become long distance. Not the plan. So instead intense emotions kicked in and I stopped managing my reactions. Instead I questioned, demanded and assumed the unknown! 

This turning point was the birth of GROW and it soon became clear that the only way for me to be able to ’start over’ was to learn how to self-love and to be honest and truthful to myself and to stop putting expectations and pressure on others and myself. 

Yes, it was time to ‘GROW THE F*CK UP’! I can’t turn back the hands of time and bring back my dad but I can be there for my mom, brother and the rest of my family from a distance. I quit my job because I had to GROW up and yes I’ve been staying in touch with 'Mr. Indo' but I believe I might’ve pushed too hard because I was not satisfied that he could bring me back to life during the shit show that was my life. Obviously there is more to the story but let’s just say I’m trying to take another leap of faith into the unknown by starting over again and accepting my flaws and improving them step-by-step.

Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve, taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your wellbeing to please others. Allow yourself to feel and have an opinion but try not to put any expectations or pressure on yourself and others. Note to self: Self-love sounds cheesy but self-love and compassion are key for mental health and wellbeing, keeping depression and anxiety at bay. GROW’ing is to learn from the daily lessons life serves us, and at the same time staying true to your genuine self, recognising and appreciating your unique talents and those of others. Then standing up for what you believe in and in doing so you will gain respect, love and the strength to start over. Happy Songkran & Welcome to your Homemade Happiness xo