Do You See Me Now

One day, you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else’s survival guide.

---

Reflecting on the Past

I’ve been sitting with this question: is it true that moments become memories, and people become lessons? I’ve been doing my best every day to step toward the light, yet I sometimes fall back into old patterns. They are familiar, and they are stubborn.

It’s been exactly five years since the resurrection of this blog - a space I created to support my mental health, a place to write down my thoughts, ideas, and sometimes opinions in private. A solo journey (at times, I feel my entire life has been a solo journey) to make sense of the whys, in moments when life was silent and confusing.

Back then, I struggled with self-doubt and wrote about it all. I laid it bare for anyone who wanted to read, never shying away from my honest emotions and experiences. When I wrote my first entry about that employer trying to stop me from growing, I didn’t realise it would become a battlefield that would echo across the next five years.

Seeing the Patterns

From Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania, back to Bangkok, Thailand, I’ve experienced bullying, manipulation, and gaslighting in my professional life - from owners (and sometimes colleagues - never the locals, but other expats, believe it or not) who should have nurtured growth but instead sought control, dismissal, or dominance. At times, it was subtle: undermining comments, being excluded from decisions, or having my contributions erased. Other times, it was blatant: public shaming, threats, or persistent questioning of my abilities.

I doubted myself, second-guessed my decisions, and carried a weight I didn’t know how to put down. It even affected my health - I became weak and unwell, blaming myself until very recently. And if, like me, you thought this was something that only happened at school, it’s far from the truth. Toxic behaviour takes many forms and can show up anywhere: work, school, friendships, family, or romantic relationships.

Even now, the challenges continue in different ways. It’s been just over three months since I started searching for my next role, and every application so far has ended in rejection or silence. Some days, I feel the pull toward that dark rabbit hole of doubt, frustration, and “why me?” But I remind myself that this is different from the toxic experiences of the past. These rejections aren’t personal attacks, they are part of a process. Each “no” is a step in refining my approach, learning, and staying resilient.

To move forward, both personally and professionally - I’m realising that I had to let go of the weight I carry from both the past and present. Part of that process means sharing my experiences and helping others recognise the signs early, so they can protect themselves and avoid years of self-doubt and pain.

Recognising the Signs

From my own experiences, both past and recent, I’ve noticed certain patterns that often show up when someone is trying to manipulate, bully, or gaslight you. I’m not writing a rulebook, just sharing what I’ve learned so you might spot it sooner than I did:

• Public Criticism – Being called out or shamed in front of others, rather than having an honest conversation.

• Inconsistent Feedback – Praise one moment, criticism the next, leaving you unsure where you stand.

• Erasing Contributions – Your hard work or ideas are minimised, ignored, or claimed by someone else.

• Twisting Reality – When someone makes you question your memory, your perception, or even your sanity.

• Intimidation or Pressure – Subtle or direct threats to make you comply, back down, or doubt yourself.

• Undermining Comments – Subtle jabs or “friendly advice” that slowly chip away at your confidence.

• Exclusion – Being left out of decisions or conversations that matter, like your input doesn’t count.

Toxic behaviour isn’t always obvious, and it isn’t limited to work; it can happen in school, friendships, family, or romantic relationships. I’m sharing this not because I want anyone to feel afraid, but because I wish I had recognised these signs sooner.

By noticing them, you can respond with awareness instead of self-doubt. You can set boundaries, trust your instincts, and take steps that protect your energy and your well-being. For me, understanding this was a crucial part of moving on and reclaiming my confidence - both in the workplace and in life.

Letting Go and Reclaiming Your Power

Recognising these patterns is just the start. The harder part is learning how to let them go - not just the people themselves, but the doubts, fears, and second-guessing they leave behind. I realise I can’t step into my next chapter carrying the weight of both past experiences and present challenges. Holding onto resentment, frustration, or self-blame only keeps me tethered to what I’m trying to move beyond.

So I start small. I speak my truth, first to myself, then to those I trust. I reflect on what I’ve learned, seeing those moments not as scars but as lessons in resilience, boundaries, and self-respect. I remind myself that how others behave is a reflection of them, not me. Slowly, I’m beginning to reclaim space in my mind, confidence in my decisions, and trust in my own worth.

Part of this release has come thanks to my cousins, who invited me back to Thailand to pack up my condo and join them on an 11-day wellness retreat. Even a month later, I’m working hard to let go - of past hurts, of job rejections, of the fear that I’m not enough. Today, for the first time, I feel like I’m really trying to practice what I’ve been learning. The “nos” still sting, and it’s not easy - but this is the work, and I’m here, doing it, in real time.

Old patterns still try to creep back in, and moments of doubt are inevitable - especially during setbacks like my ongoing job search. But each time I notice them, I remind myself: I am not defined by how others treated me, nor by temporary setbacks. I am defined by how I respond, how I learn, and how I keep moving forward.

This practice of letting go and reclaiming my power is ongoing. I’m not “there” yet - but every small step I take today brings me closer to lighter, clearer, more grounded growth. It’s a journey I’m walking, one conscious decision at a time.

Closing the Chapter, Starting Today

Five years ago, this blog was a lifeline - a way to untangle my thoughts, face my doubts, and try to make sense of experiences that felt overwhelming. Today, it’s still a space to do exactly that, only now I’m writing with the perspective of someone who’s been working on their well-being, learning boundaries, and trying to let go.

I haven’t fully released the weight of past experiences, and I haven’t magically stopped being affected by “nos” or setbacks. But today, I’m making the effort. Today, I’m noticing the patterns, naming them, and reminding myself that I am not defined by the way others treated me or by temporary setbacks. I’m defined by how I respond, how I learn, and how I keep moving forward.

This blog isn’t about being perfect - it’s about being real. It’s about showing up for yourself, even when it’s hard. And if sharing this helps even one person recognise the signs, trust themselves, or start their own journey of letting go, then all the reflection, the struggle, and the work is worth it.

I don’t know exactly where this chapter ends or what the next one will look like - but today, I’m here, trying, learning, and stepping forward. And that, for now, is enough.

---

Don’t fall back into your old patterns just because they are familiar.

@alberteppo