I’M STARING IN THE FACE OF SOMETHING NEW: PART ONE

WHY IS LIFE TESTING ME SO HARD LATELY? I MEAN I WILL SURVIVE BUT DAMN GIVE ME A F*CKING BREAK!

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I would be lying if I said I’m fine. Since my last blog it has not been easy to smile, love or have any desire to concur my dreams. The universe keeps throwing curveballs at me and giving me the feeling that I’m losing ‘hope’ and alongside that, friends.

Before I continue sharing my thoughts with you, I would like to let you know that before writing each new blog I spend days doing research on the topic for that week. Then, depending on my emotional journey and experiences, I set out to be guided in the direction of something better and that with my newfound hope, I can help you to do the same.

Friendship is a relationship based on mutual affection between people and in the midst of the current madness we are all facing, friendship should be helping us to deal with stress and to make better life choices that empower us to be stronger. It’s also vital for our mental health. Instead it’s been another life test that hit me really hard as of late when a good friend decided to turn her back on GROW’ing together with us. I’ve learned that the decision not to be friends was not your choice; it was your actions and my choice as a consequence of those actions. Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal the their needs of you and once their needs change, so does their loyalty. So instead of putting blame on myself, I’ve decided that I’ve got no words for you. 

I might be many things but one thing I am not, is fake. I’ve always tried to be true to myself, my feelings (and I’m still learning how to GROW to be an even better version of myself) with logical opinions and to always be a caring friend, boyfriend, colleague and son. 

However, at the moment I find myself floating through my life and I’m numb to my surroundings. I’m doubting things that I once knew with great certainty and I’m hiding my feelings, pretending that I’m strong but secretly I’m fighting my fears of becoming detached again. 

“As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”

What’s the meaning of ‘Hope’? It’s the feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. I’m definitely standing on the edge of losing hope, as my life is getting pretty overwhelming. 

What I can say to my feelings is that all I need to do is to ‘GROW The F*ck Up’ and to step into a world facing something new and look at things differently and remember that this is how we can turn around the overwhelming feeling of losing ‘hope’:

- Believe In A Bigger Picture Right now I can’t actually see everything that’s going on, nor can I see into the future so my perspective is limited. If I step back just a little I will probably be able to see that there is a purpose or meaning beyond what I’m able to see happening right now. They say you should look at life through heaven’s eyes, so probably time to sleep with my eyes wide open :-) 

- I’m Cared For

When I lose hope, there seem to be two things that I do: isolation and loneliness. I start to doubt whether or not anyone actually cares about me. So it’s typical for me to think my struggles are not known or cared for. A loss of hope arises when someone you want to care for you or invest in you in a certain way, just doesn’t. The guy I’m keen on, my ex-employer, family or friends - because they don’t seem to care, I’m missing the fact that love is all around. The reality is those people actually do care; I’m just not receiving it in the way I’m expecting it. Again as I’ve said before it’s best to not have any expectations and just believe that the impossible is possible. - I’m still here

Every single curveball that’s been thrown at me can start to become a big deal. But it’s important to remind myself that I’m still here. I’ve not been completely wiped out or crushed; my future is still intact I’m just heading towards a new beginning with a different journey.

- I have so much to give

I generally take myself for granted and start to question my ability to invest in others. “Well, how can I give to others when I’m feeling like this?” By recognising my boundaries, I should not sell myself short. Instead focus on the level of effort and encouragement I exhibit to others while recognising exactly where I am and want to be right now.

- I won’t see all the results straight away There is a day of small beginnings that can often leave us feeling frustrated. Great dreams require great effort, often over great amounts of time. I should try not to get discouraged because my completed dream isn’t instantly before me. It’s easier said than done but I should try not to despise the day of small beginnings. It’s all part of a bigger plan to get me to where I need to be.

- I’m closer than I think 

Every effort to date is pointing back to GROW and all the steps I’m taking now are stepping stones in sustaining the next part of my life plan. Even though the night is darkest just before the dawn, the coming of the dawn is guaranteed. 

Just sitting here writing this piece on ‘hope’ is really helping me to find ‘hope’ again but I know it’s not going to be easy, who’s with me?  

Welcome to your Homemade Happiness xo